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I have spent a lot of the last few weeks or so doing a lot of soul searching trying to find a balance in my life that has felt very off for awhile. What really pushed me into wanting to find something, anything to help fill this gigantic hole that has been developing within was the learning of the suicide of a locale weather man. His story of dealing with depression reminded me of how I felt during my battle, a battle I am still fighting every day.  A battle I have felt grow more and more harder to find that control I once had due to the stress of having no money and everything else that has been piling on my plate over the last year or so.

There are only so many interviews, job applications and job searching one can do before you just become so disenfranchised by the whole process that throwing in the towel sounds like the best route to take.

Am I being picky about where and what I apply too? Yes, I am, I know I shouldn’t but every time I try to imagine myself slinging burgers or stuffing sacks with purchases by brain freezes and the panic sets in. Do I think I am entitled to something better, I wouldn’t say yes and I wouldn’t say no to that question but really it is more of want to live the American Dream. We, as in between the ages of 18-25 were all raised, at least in America, to believe that doing good in school, finishing college and receiving that degree would open all doors and entry-level or not, it would be something we would want. 

What do college grads have to look forward to now? Working odd hours for minimum wage, if they are lucky to even land a job in the first place. A few strike gold and get something right out of gate but those success stories are beginning to go the way of the dodo bird. Heck, I who always felt college was a MUST right out of high school are starting to impart advice to soon to graduating seniors to possibly take off a year and work in-between…that work experience will be more valuable to you than any piece of paper you can receive…..or it seems to me now.

I was fortunate to able to go to school full time and not really worry about money. I did do an odd job near my freshman year of teaching English to the kids who came over to the U.S. to receive a degree here. It was one day a week and the pay was minimum wage which was a whooping $5.75-6.25 at the time. I also made a little money here and there selling hand knitting scarves and other wares. I really should have done the part time thing and work 30+ hours a week.

Can I blame my parents for not properly preparing me for the dangers of the world? You might be able to argue yes, but I am sure they did not foresee the crisis we are in now and circumstances are never stable.

Since this post is about fulfillment, maybe I should write what I think would fulfill me.

I know that my ultimate goal now is to receive my Masters and hopefully my Doctorate at the same time. This would more than likely focus on educational psychology or something in that general area. I also hope that is something I could do from the home or be flexible enough to allow me to be with any future children I will have with my husband at least up until the age 5 when they go off to school.

I know being able to work towards this goal will finally put a little step into my desire but the rub is, how will I pay for it? There are always loans/scholarships etc which I would use but I don’t want to rely on them.

Will I ever find something to fulfill my day? Crafting works now, but there is only so far you can go with little to no money. What will the future hold? I just hope it changes soon, I like living where we are living now and it would literally KILL me to move back into a tiny ass apartment that I really can’t make my own. I really need to buck up and take whatever crappy, undervalued/under-appreciated/underpaid job comes my way….I wish it wasn’t that way


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