The other day Brandon asked me what I wanted to do, as like a career type thing…and I didn’t have answer. It isn’t because I am lazy or whatever….there is just so much about the world that interests me. I have two degrees one in Criminal Justice and one in Psychology and with those two degrees there are about a million and half things I can do but none of them really speak to me in a way that gets motivated…or if one thing speaks to me there is something similar and related that speaks to me the same amount…I just want my fingers in too many pots. A good handful of it probably stems from the fact I am terribly afraid of failure or choosing the wrong choice. I can’t just let life take me where it wants too…I get so wrapped up in the consequences of every little decision that it just becomes easier to just not decide.
I normally feel the most happiest when I am doing some sort of project: it be a research paper, something crafty or even just painting a room. There is something about taking all these little bits and developing them into something else that just really gets my brain moving…I love problem solving how to get an idea from my head out into a hand-knited item or transform a space from uninspiring to inspiring. Every time I walk into a craft store my mood just lifts instantly…all that creativity under one roof just makes my mind go abuzz and I see a project in everything as a roam the aisles. I don’t think I could ever work in a craft store unless I opened one up myself…but I do want to work in space where all that creativity just sizzles and pops and can instantly be ignited in a moments notice.
When I imagine myself in a 9-5 space…with the endless shades of cream, I really just want to SCREAM! No one is meant to be in such an uninspiring and BORING environment. Give me sunshiney yellow, vivid grass green, sultry red or purple royalty….cream walls do the exact opposite for me as they are intended…that just make me feel trapped….being in them for too long makes me stir-crazy. Which may be why I like to surround myself with messes…they add color and constantly shift and change as I interact with the environment. There is something about a sterile environment that I just closes me off…like all creativity and happiness can no longer exist. And don’t even try to tell me someone can be happy with an obsession to keep a sterile environment…it always seems to be the exact opposite of happiness.
Too be honest I really am not sure what I am trying to say….right now soap is what is making me happy…but I don’t have any money to buy supplies to make soap…knitting works sometimes but often projects take too long or just get redundant….but with soap it could be almost anything I want it to be.
There is the whole magic ball technique (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2N5zQAvjFqE) which is really capturing my fancy…there is something well, magical about the way the yarn reacts to the pattern when using a magic ball that I created. It is just fun and free and has very little limitations. I almost almost done with my first one (a scarf) and already have ideas for two more…and after those I might try a hat pattern with a magic ball as well….but yet still…
I just feel lost…wondering a sea of faces with no apparent goal…I need a goal….I have goals of being a good wife to a man I love deeply, being a good mother to my future children…but those are all goals for others…I need a goal for myself….I want to stop hating myself because I can’t live up to this high expectations everybody and myself wants from me….Brandon always tells me everything will be fine…but I don’t like the uncertainty..